


Papercut

by QueenOf_Neverland



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 04:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8236112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOf_Neverland/pseuds/QueenOf_Neverland
Summary: Lovino has depression. Bad depression. He's used to hiding it but over the years, it's gotten worse. He starts to turn into a hollow shell of his former self. Can Antonio and Feliciano save him before it's too late?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I was feeling depressed and had the urge to relapse. It actually kind of helped with dealing with it.  
> Tbh though I put alot of myself into Lovino so I'm sorry if it's a little too depressing at all.  
> Also sorry it kind of sucks. I'm rusty and writing while depressed makes me not really think about what I'm doing or notice some typos.  
> I hope you all enjoy none the less.

It started when he was younger, just barely learning to talk and realize the world around him. Maybe even earlier than that. Maybe even at birth. Lovino wasn't sure. He's seen the tape of his birth, how his twin brother was loved on more than he was because of his perfect lungs and his perfect eyes and his perfect everything. Lovino was sick of hearing his parents tell Feliciano just how perfect he was, how they wished the older twin was more like the younger. Asking him why he couldn't be more cheerful, more artistic, more.. straight.

He couldn't be more cheerful. He had no reason to smile. His parents always preferred Feliciano over him, ever since they were born. His younger twin had always done everything better than him, no matter how hard Lovino tried. He would always fail. He failed at everything. Life, art, cooking, love. He couldn't even love his boyfriend of three years the way he was supposed to. He was too mean, too picky. He was sure Antonio would even leave him if he was given a chance with Feliciano instead. So Lovino decided not to get attached.

But three years with the same person was a long time and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop himself from falling completely in love with his Spanish boyfriend. He failed at the one thing he could thought he could do right. He became attached. So whenever he saw his boyfriend even talking to his twin brother about something as trivial as the weather, his heart would clench in the most painful way. He didn't want to lose the only person who's ever come close to making him feel loved.

A year before he met Antonio, Lovino was diagnosed with chronic depression. His parents didn't think much of it, saying it was the Italian being over dramatic and stressed from school. They would even put the blame on Lovino for being too quiet and mean to have any friends so it was his own fault for being sad. Saying he should be more friendly, like Feliciano who was friends with basically all of Hetalia Academy.

Lovino was never able to get on any sort of medication for his illness, so he was forced to suffer with it. He would spend several nights crying himself to sleep at night and finding himself in pissy moods because his depression would randomly run it's course. Most days, he had no reason for the pain he felt. It just happened. Even days where he was feeling good about himself or having a bit of fun, it would strike and Lovino would find himself hiding away from everyone to calm his emotions.

Feliciano knew about the diagnosis ever since the day it was discovered. It was hard for him not to hear the fight that happened between his brother and parents in the living room that night. Once Lovino had stomped into his own bedroom, the younger twin had crawled into his bed and held him while he cried. That was the only time Feliciano had seen his brother cry. Lovino would never let him close enough to see him at such a weak state ever again and would always hide his depression with the only way he knew how, being mean and angry.

Antonio didn't know about the depression at all and was too oblivious to realize it at all around his younger boyfriend. He was bubbly and happy all the time. Lovino was only half grateful for his air headed boyfriend. The other half of him though.. Wished Antonio would notice how positively broken the Italian was. He didn't want to tell him anything, in fear that the older teen would think less of him and leave him. Lovino couldn't bear the thought of losing one more person because he couldn't control the demons inside him.

xXx

Lovino found himself in yet another predicament of his at school, where most of them would happen. The sixteen year old was only a junior so he didn't have any classes with his senior boyfriend. Normally, that fact was okay because they would always have lunch together and see each other between classes. But some days were hard for the Italian to be away from Antonio because the demons would begin to hit him. He would be half paying attention to whatever the teacher would be talking about when all of sudden, he would feel a pang in his heart and a sting behind his eyes. He would force the feelings back so no one would see him and wait until lunch to come around. Lucky for him, he only had about twenty minutes before then.

Once the bell rang, Lovino put his things away into his folders and head to his locker, jamming everything inside without a care about how neat he usually liked to be. He'd hide his face with his hair while making his way to the lunchroom, sitting at his normal spot with Antonio and Antonio's friends. He himself didn't have any friends of his own, being too quiet and rude to really make any. But if he wanted to be by his boyfriend during lunch, he would have to endure his idiot friends as well.

Because he didn't get anything to eat that day, Lovino was the first one to the table and had to wait for everyone to arrive. It gave him enough time to even his breathing and wipe away any tears that spilled down his cheeks with his sleeve. When he noticed someone coming towards him, he would put on his usual glare and hoped that none of his emotions could be seen on his facial features.

"No lunch again, Lovi?" Antonio would ask as he sat next to his boyfriend, a tray of food set in front of him. A frown was placed on his usual smiling face as he looked at the smaller boy. He was worried because this wasn't the first time Lovino wouldn't eat during lunch. It started the year prior, when Antonio didn't notice it as much because it wouldn't happen as often. But now it was happening almost every day.

Lovino shrugged and crossed his arms in front of himself on the table. "I eat big breakfasts." he lied to the Spaniard, flickering his eyes away from the green eyes staring at him. It was the only sign that he was lying and even after three years together, it didn't seem to Lovino that Antonio had picked up on it.

Antonio nodded, much to Lovino's relief and started to eat his own food as the table began to fill with more people. The Italian looked around at all of them, keeping his arms crossed in front of him on the table. He couldn't help but think of all the people his boyfriend hung out with as idiots. Especially his best friends, Gilbert and Francis, whom with Antonio, were called the Bad Friends Trio. Gilbert was loud and annoying while Francis was a pervert and annoying.

Sighing, the sixteen year old layed his head on top of his arms. He didn't feel like participating in any conversations that day. He felt too mentally drained and just wanted the day to be over so he could shut himself in his room. Though, he couldn't help but to listen in on all the conversations at the table.

"Tonio, what's wrong with little Lovi?" Francis would ask, looking at Lovino from his seat across from his Spanish friend. Lovino would usually growl and yell at the blonde for the nickname.

Antonio glanced at Lovino before looking at the Frenchman with a small shrug. "I think he's just tired." he answered with a mouth full of food. Lovino would usually roll his eyes and tell him to swallow before he talks.

"Well, have you seen the bags under his eyes!?" Gilbert exclaimed, a little too loud for being so close to the ones he was speaking to. Lovino would usually scowl and tell him to quiet the fuck down.

But Lovino did none of those things today. He just kept his head down and mouth shut. He didn't want anyone to see him as he willed away tears that threatened to escape his hazel eyes and his breathing that threatened to shallow. His head began to swim with horrible thoughts that would make most people in the Academy go insane. His stomach threatened to growl at the lack of food. His wrists began to ache at the urge to press a blade to his skin. His entire being threatened to shut down at the wanting to not exist. He wanted to scream.

He couldn't listen to anyone else speak as the voices started to blur together and create a buzzing in Lovino's ear. He didn't even hear when the bell ran to signal the end of lunch. He didn't notice anything happen until a hand was placed on his shoulder and made him jump, causing everything to rush back to him and the buzzing stop.

"Lovi, it's time to go." Antonio said, now standing after emptying his tray and leaning down to speak close to Lovino's ear.

Lovino nodded and went to stand up but as fate would have it, a dizzy spell hit him and he fell as fast as he stood. He didn't hit the floor though, as a pair of strong arms had caught him instead. Futball really made Antonio's reflexes faster than ever.

"Are you alright, Lovi?" the Spanish teen asked with worry lacing his voice, holding his boyfriend close to him. Lovino almost felt like dead weight in his arms, almost like he refused to use his own strength to stand himself up.

Lovino just nodded and attempted to push away from Antonio, intending on standing by himself only to tumble over and be lifted up by his boyfriend again.  
The older teen shook his head and bent down to put one arm behind Lovino's legs, lifting him up bridal style in his arms. "You're not alright. I'm going to take you to the nurse." he stated, walking out of the lunchroom and telling his Bad Friends to tell his teacher where he would be.

Lovino shook his head the entire way to the nurse's office and tried to protest but nothing would come out of his mouth. He had no choice but to clutch onto Antonio's shirt as he was carried, burying his face into his boyfriend's shoulder.

What happened next went by in a blur for the Italian. The nurse looked him over and called his parents to come pick him up, claiming he was sick and needed rest. His father was angry about being pulled out of work to pick Lovino up and sent him to his room as soon as they were home. The teen had no problem with this.

Lovino sat in his bed for the remainder of the school hours, hugging his knees and staring at the wall ahead of him. No tears escaped his eyes. It was almost like he was in a trance with the plain white wall. Thought after thought went through his head. Like a demon was right there with him, telling him about how much of a pathetic human being he was. How he could just ask his boyfriend for help instead of leaving him in the dark. Antonio had no idea what was going through Lovino's head everyday. He couldn't help him unless he knew. But Lovino had no intention of telling him. He wouldn't understand the way he felt.

Hours felt like minutes and before Lovino knew it, footsteps could be heard running up the stairs and his bedroom door was thrown open to reveal his twin brother. Normally, the older Italian would yell at his brother for just barging in but at this moment, he didn't care about anything.

"Ve, fratello! Antonio told me you came home early today!" Feliciano exclaimed, bounding over to Lovino's bed and sitting next to him with a worried look on his face. "Are you sick? I'll make you some soup!"

Lovino shook his head and finally found his voice, although it was a bit rough from holding in his tears. "I'm fine, Feliciano. The nurse said I just need some rest." he assured the identical looking boy next to him, hoping it would be enough for him to leave him alone.

"Oh, okay! I'll come wake you when it's time for dinner then!" Feliciano kissed Lovino's head before bounding out of the room, probably going to start on his homework.

Lovino didn't know whether to be grateful or upset about his brother's oblivious nature. But nothing could be done about it so after his door had been shut, the brunette stood from his place on his bed and headed over to the door, locking it in place so no one could disturb him anymore that night. He would pretend to keep sleeping when Feliciano comes to get him for dinner. He had no intentions of eating anyway.

Lovino sat on the edge of his bed, looking down for a few minutes in thought before stuffing his hand between the mattress and box spring to retrieve a small sharp item. His only friend that wouldn't leave him or let him down no matter. His trusty, yet a bit rusty razor blade. He sat there, just staring at it for a few moments as he figured it was more than just a bit trusty if he had to be honest. He's used this single blade for two years now. It only recently became an everyday thing for him.

Before he could change his mind, Lovino shed his hoodie off before laying his arm on his leg, palm up. He already had more than few scars littering the bottom sides and even top sides of his skinny arms. It was the main reason he started to wear a hoodie every day to school, so no one could see them and make fun of him. He remembered when the Canadian kid that no one really payed attention to had accidentally revealed his self-harm scars and was made fun of for about a week before he ended up killing himself. Everyone pretended to be sad about it and the Italian was sure that if his were seen, the same would happen to him. He would rather not have that kind of attention on him.

The first press of the blade was always the most hesitant and painful, the teen having to bite his lip as he ran the cool metal across his sensitive skin. He relaxed quite a bit after the first cut was done and went on to make more, feeling more confident about the pain. Soon, one cut turned into two and two turned into five and five turned into ten. Tears ran down Lovino's cheeks as he continued to cut his skin over and over, deeper and deeper until he was finally down and staring down at his work. Blood ran down his arms and until his clothes and bed. He stared at it as it wouldn't stop, continuing to run and drip down. He had never cut this deep before, he mused. It felt good. But the good feeling soon vanished as he started to become light headed. He was losing too much blood.

Any other day, Lovino would have made quick work to clean his mess but today.. Today he couldn't bring himself to care about it. He welcomed the feeling of falling onto his floor, razor falling out of his hand. He welcomed the blackness that took over him as he laid there, breathing coming out slow. He welcomed the feeling of not feeling anything at all. And for the first time in a month, a small smile appeared on his lips.

XxX

On the main floor of the Vargas house, it was getting close to dinner time when the door bell rang. Feliciano was quick to tell his parents he would answer and he practically ran to the door, opening it with a huge smile on his face.

"Ciao Antonio!" he greeted, seeing his older twin's boyfriend at the door with a bouquet of lilies in his hand.

Antonio rubbed the back of his head with a small sheepish smile on his face. "Hola Feliciano. I wanted to come check up on how Lovi is doing."

Feliciano nodded and moved aside to let the Spanish teen in. "I think he might be sleeping but you can go check." he said, glancing over at his parents who gave Antonio a disappointing look that made the younger son sigh. He wished his parents were more open minded about his Lovino's sexuality. 

Antonio nodded and made his way up the stairs after giving a polite greeting to his boyfriend's parents, oblivious to the cold stares they were giving him. He found Lovino's door easily, as he had been there may times before to study and hang out with the cute Italian. He knocked softly, not wanting to wake the other teen in case he was sleeping.

"Lovi, are you awake? I brought you something." he called. He stood there for several seconds, waiting for a reply before he deemed the younger to be asleep. He was about to walk away when he heard a loud thud come from inside the room. "Lovino? Are you okay? What was that noise?" 

When Antonio didn't get an answer this time, he began to get worried. Something was wrong. He could feel it. Knocking harder on the door, Antonio called out for the Italian to answer. Hearing the commotion, Feliciano bounded up the steps to where Antonio was in front of his brother's door. 

"Let him sleep, Toni! You know he doesn't feel well." the younger Italian teen frowned.

Antonio looked at Feliciano with a frown, a serious look in his eyes. "Something's wrong. I need to make sure he's okay." he said, all trace of his usual playful cheeriness gone.

Feliciano blinked at how serious the usual cheerful teen could be and nodded, rushing to his room quick before coming back no more then five seconds later with a key. "Fratello doesn't know I have this." he said, placing it into the keyhole of Lovino's door before turning it and opening it.

Neither one of the teens were prepared for what was behind the door. Antonio let out a gasp, dropping the flowers while Feliciano let out a scream. The scream signaled his parents to come up and investigate what was going on and their eyes widened at the sight of their oldest son, laying motionless on the floor. A puddle of blood pooled near his form, staining the white carpet with the deep red. His razor lay just a few centimeters away from his hand, trickles of blood surrounding the metal.

Antonio was quick to act, running to Lovino's side and throwing his own shirt off to press the material to Lovino's arms, in hopes to stop the bleeding. "Come on, Lovi." he begged the Italian to stay alive, checking his pulse before looking back at Feliciano and his parents with a glare. "Don't just stand there! Call an ambulance!"

Mr. Vargas nodded before rushing to his phone and dialing 911.

xXx

_Am I dead? Why is it so bright? Am I going to Heaven? I figured Hell would have suited me better. But I guess I can't complain. At least I'm away from my parents and every other closed minded bigot. I feel bad for leaving Antonio and Feliciano though.. Antonio could survive without me after a bit, I'm sure. But Feli.. He can't do anything without me. Even being gay, I would have to help him with girls all the time. Wait.. Why do I hear voices? Are those other angels? No.. They sound too familiar. Maybe Heaven is just like it is on Supernatural. The perfect Heaven that suits only you. I mean.. I hear Antonio and Feliciano. But.. Are those my parents? Why would they be in my Heaven?_

Lovino's thoughts came to a halt as his eyes flutter open and a soft moan escaped his lips, the lights too bright to fully open his eyes and his body aching. Where was he? Is he not dead? Did someone find him? How did anyone even get into his room?

"Lovino!" two voices called out near him before hands were placed on his shoulders. 

"Antonio..? Feliciano..?" Lovino was able to croak out, forcing his eyes to open more to see the two on either side of him. He shifted his gaze to the side, noticing a heart monitor and a fluid bag. So he was found and brought to the hospital after all. 

"Thank Dios, you're alive. Mi pequeño tomate." Antonio sobbed, looking as if he hadn't slept very well in days as he grabbed Lovino's hand in his own, the one without the IV attached to it.

"Fratello, why did you try to kill yourself..?" Feliciano asked in a soft voice, dry tear stains on his face.

Lovino was about to speak when an unfamiliar voice spoke up. "Alright, let's leave Mr. Vargas alone for a little while. No questions for him just yet, da?" a doctor had entered the room, holding a clip board in his hand and a kind smile on his face. "Privet, Lovino. My name is Doctor Braginsky. I must say, you are quite the fighter."

The kind, yet intimidating looking doctor checked how Lovino was doing, making sure he was okay. He suggested a therapist to his parents as well, who reluctantly took the card from the man.

Once the doctor was done, Lovino's parents spoke up next.

"Lovino, honey.. We had no idea how serious this depression really was. We're really sorry we didn't see how you felt before.." his mother spoke softly, her own cheeks having tears on them just like Feliciano's. "We'll do everything in our power to help you recover and get better."

His father was next. "And.. We wanted you to know that we approve of Antonio. We still may be a little uncomfortable with homosexuality, but you're our son. And we love you. We're sorry we didn't show it as much." he said, attempting to keep his face hidden of any emotions but it was difficult to do with his eyes red and puffy like he had been crying.

Lovino just stared at his parents in awe as they made their way out, leaving their oldest with his brother and boyfriend. His hazel eyes shifted to Feliciano, who had a smile on his face.

"I'm so glad you're alive, fratello. I don't know what I would have done without you." Feliciano said, moving strands of hair from Lovino's face.

"You would have been fine.." Lovino mumbled, looking away from him.

Feliciano shook his head and kissed his brother's forehead. "No.. I wouldn't have been. I love you, Lovino. Even if we don't get along all the time. You're my fratello." 

Lovino's cheeks flushed as he looked back at Feliciano. "T-Ti amo, Feli.." 

Feliciano's face lit up at the words he hadn't heard since they were small children. "I'm going to get you something to eat." he said with a nod, smiling towards Antonio before leaving the room.

The older Italian finally shifted his gaze towards Antonio, scared of what he would see on his boyfriend's face. He looked like death. His eyes were red, dry tear stains on his cheek, hair unwashed and small bags under his eyes.

"Lovino.. Don't scare me like that again. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you." Antonio said softly, holding Lovino's IV-free hand against his cheek.

Lovino chewed on his lip, unable to tear his eyes away from the Spaniard. "I'm sorry.."

Antonio shook his head, looking down. "I should be the one who's sorry.. I never noticed how depressed you were. I could have helped you the entire time. I'm a horrible boyfriend.."

"Don't say that, bastardo!" Lovino exclaimed, his voice cracking near the end. Antonio looked up at him with wide eyes. "You're the best boyfriend. You helped me more than you know. Just by being there. Just by.. Loving me."

"I do love you, Lovino. And I promise I'm going to do everything to help you. You're my main priority now. So whenever you're feeling down, please come to me. Si?"

"S-Si.."

XxX

A week had went by since Lovino was in the hospital. He was now in his own room, laying with Antonio and playing with the older teen's fingers in his hands. The stain on his carpet had been attempted to be cleaned but a faint red color still remained. It was there to remind Lovino was the day he almost died. When he almost left the love of his life and loving family. His relationship with both his parents and brother had improved in the short week and he couldn't be more grateful. The school had heard of his suicide attempt and some of his classmates had even visited him in the hospital. He had made a new friend who visited him by the name of Arthur Kirkland. God had given him a second chance at a happy life and Lovino wasn't going to let him down.

He felt someone nuzzle his hair and looked up at Antonio, a small smile on his face. "Hm, it's nice to see you smiling more." his boyfriend commented, lacing their hands together between them.

"Well, I have reasons to smile now." Lovino answered, gently bumping his nose against Antonio's.

The Spaniard chuckled softly. "I'm glad. Te amo, Lovino." he whispered softly, kissing Lovino's lips softly.

"Ti amo, Antonio." Lovino mumbled against his lips, leaning up to press his lips into the kiss.


End file.
